What is this all for?
writing practice, and maybe i should be bolder. genuinely im so bored and tired
Sometimes I read a New York Times column that is so random and weird that I can’t help but imagine the writer as a grown-up version of me in college on a Sunday night, looking at a blank Google doc, knowing I had to submit a draft of my biweekly column to my editor by noon the next day. Working on deadline is a powerful motivator, but anyone who tells you they do their best work on a deadline is at least partly full of shit: Sure, sometimes what comes out of our minds on doomsday is fresh, candid brilliance excavated from the deepest recesses of our subconscious. But more often than not it’s some stupid stuff. This newsletter is a perfect example <3 as is a column I wrote in college about water bottles as racially-coded status symbols (???), as is Michelle Goldberg’s recent column about the latest Succession episode (SPOILERS IN THERE). My maybe uncharitable guess is that Goldberg needed an idea for the column and watched Succession the night before with a loved one and then ran with it.
It’s obviously much higher stakes for a columnist being paid six figures to write like 700 shitty words in a newspaper of record to scramble to write something of note than a 19-year-old college writer. You’re always responsible for what you write, especially when you have a huge platform for it. But this feels so unserious, more like play than anything. Sure, what I am doing by goofing off every two weeks is a kind of practice, a way to exercise my brain and keep myself from going insane. But, like, it feels more like playing tag than doing sprints, you know?
For the past several weeks I feel like I have had little of substance to say, because I have also thought of little of substance. What has my mind even been preoccupied with? Work? I don’t think so. I’m often worried that I won’t ever write anything half as good as some random thing I wrote in college, or that I actually have an undiagnosed brain degeneration disease. That’s what it feels like sometimes — That it’s taking me longer to process things, that I can’t really read or write or anything… Are these genuine concerns? I feel like I’m making it up :)
I feel the need to apologize when I send out something bad, because after all, the point of having this be a product I share with people rather than a journal is to at least have a reason to put some pants on it, to try. And plus, sometimes it feels like the point of writing is to do and undo yourself, over and over again, until you are whittled and worn into some smooth truth. But at other times the point is just to touch the wood, to feel the resistance of the chisel against the wood, to watch in glee as you scoop out curls to make something else. There are seven million metaphors in here. And I have not woodworked in my life except for in eighth grade!!!!
There are so few places out there where you can flop brilliantly and clumsily these days. Everything seems to have some consequence. But to do a big and beautiful flop you have to make a big jump (New metaphor), and I feel like I don’t really take on big fun ideas that much in here anymore. Or at least I haven’t recently. Hmmm.
OK wtf was the point of all that. If anyone has any thoughts in their brain, let me know.
some things:
I donated blood today and yea i got that snoopy shirt. and then i got jollibee (for the first time) after. You sorry bitches wanna be me soooooo bad.
Just got back from watching Air with OOMR (one of my readers) and it was pretty good imo. I think it’s really cute and genuinely adorable that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck clearly love each other a lot and have a great time working together. May we all find a lifelong creative partner we hold so dearly to our hearts
Speaking of lifelong creative partners I thought this profile of Marshall Vore (known for being Phoebe Bridgers’ drummer and ex) was very cute. He got gagged a bit by the author in one part that I won’t spoil.
I finished watching Bad Sisters per Jayne’s request and it was very good, though also like a little insane. I wasn’t expecting it to be that crazy but it was and Daryl McCormack… hubba hubba!
sigh…I’ve been listening to the boygenius record basically nonstop and all I want to say is Julien Baker if you’re reading this please give me a chance. I’m also free Wednesday and Thursday of this week and most days next week just give me a call. Thank YOU
I’ve been reading Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman and it has been a bit ground-shifting for me… though I have to sit with it for longer to figure some stuff out. (Maybe I’ll write about it next time … hmm!)
OMG I forgot to say I ran the 10 miler last weekend and it was so fun and sweet and I loved hanging out with friends old and new. running is a lot like writing in that it is both practice and play. Don’t tell me Murakami already said this or I’ll rip my hair out (I am having some dandruff issues btw) pic below
I’m trying to “get into baseball” but it’s so hard. there are so many rules and also so many games.I’mlosing my mind
ugh that’s all. sorry
PM